Feeling my way these days. I am too deep in the process of grief, shock and awe...bewilderment and surrender...to be able to see the forest. I get intimations...how big this baby's death was and is to us all and for me. But I can see and feel things...subtle shifts in discovering what is really important as in loving presence and being in it with my friends, family and David in a daily way. Something is coming easier now with David and I doubt that I can explain it. There is something more soft in me...more accepting...feeling that whatever shape and form our marriage is, it is ok as it is and that somehow I am loving David just as he is even as I wish there was so much more.

There is some strange clarity in all of this...like the shock of Baby Joe birthing and deathing in a 37 hour period was some poignant clarion call to get straight with what's important and that it's love that is important and to not hold back even as imperfect as whatever it is between yourself and your beloved may be. And somehow that is flowing out to David and it's not hard to do. It is so new and such a strange place to be in.

I have drawn my image of Joseph as he makes his way back to the Boundless...the limitless cosmos. I prepped a 2ft. by 4 ft. masonite panel with gesso...it has become a ritual as I begin the process of creating a new painting. I am so loving and appreciating the embedded ritual in this ...that I am invoking the blessed and beloved Muses to sit beside me and in me and support however the process must unfold. It was so hard to begin the sketch of Joseph. The pencil was like the probe into the heart and artery of grief but begin it I must and I did and somehow it came through...and the tenderness I feel is so sweet to me. It's also very clear to me that Joseph was/is a mighty and ancient soul who wasn't going to tarry in this incarnation but was like a shock trooper of some sort who was going to jar us into wakefulness so that we could fully receive what he came in to deliver to us humans. It seems that the best that is in us...those of us who have come into connection with this mighty process...has been mobilized and none of us are unchanged by this. None of our lives will ever be the same...