Another day, another blog entry. Maybe. I'm sitting here in front of the blank screen wondering what the heck to write about. Do I WANT to write...do I want to excavate some unwanted or prickly perspective. I want to be peaceful...I want to feel serenity in my day, in my home, in my life, in my relationship with my husband. But today I don't. I could feel it coming on last night...a pothole opened up triggered by another interaction with David that was benign on the surface of it...but that was just it. It was just another surface...superficial interaction that leaves me raw. He cannot meet me...that's the simple language. He just can't. And I live at a deep level and I just can't stay on the surface. I just can't. Some part of me hopes of course for the rapproachement if we just keep at it...it *I* just keep at it, but that is not a reality. It is...as David would say...what it is, and so I try to be peaceful about it. But not today.

I read Brandy's blog entries and now there is not only sadness in me but anger. Damn the heavens and what the hell is this anyway that this couple who is a happy couple...who have a good relationship...not perfect because where is that anyway...but GOOD...loving, solid, mated. They have the family that children should be born in to and what the hell is this anyway! The brutal hand of chaos that truly does underlie life chose them...and whatever karmic check needed to be written befell them. I hate this...I so hate for them and for me to have to endure and dig for the meaning that chimes in the deepest levels of the psyche when hell and heaven fall on our heads. I so hate that so much of my life has been spent in the journey and process and some crazy part of me wonders if I contaminated this darling woman and her husband with something about my fate to be living so in touch with the brutal hands of fate that are also part of the dance we must live if we are human.

I have had to boil and distill most of my life experiences down to find the jewel that is left after all the heat, sturm und drang have drained away. I shake my fist at the gods and yet know in my bones that I dance to their tune and for whatever reasons, I was chosen to have to live on this level of the deepest river, the darkest night, the most dismembering of life because I've got what it takes to make the meaning of it. To bring it all back in more civilized form. What the fuck...

OK so today after a morning round of errands, I go back down to the studio. I want peaceful? Where that's were it's at. It is where I "bring it back"...where the chaos and pain and bliss begin to come through the paintbrushes and pencils and pens. I have to wrestle but not so hard these days. The muse in me is winning the battle with the Saturnian Animus who sneers and dismisses my visions and dreams and need to paint them. But that battle is just another one of them that I can't lose or I lose all the meaning of living my life at all. And so, it's back to the studio and back to the work that is mine to live. It isn't the one I chose...but it is the one that IS mine and so ......